i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
