He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
