I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
there is glitter all over my balls
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
