Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
