I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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