There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
