didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
