can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
