I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
