I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
