I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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