Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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