She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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