Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
