I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
