If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
