non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm like, not good at living.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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