Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
