if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
