you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
