census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
