We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
