I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
