I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
