Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
