I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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