The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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