I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
