upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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