i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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