Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
