Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You smell like stripper and shame
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
