Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
