i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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