I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
