what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
