rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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