dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
