my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
