I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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