Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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