I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
