the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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