is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
