Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
