and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
