literally had 100 drinks last night.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
