My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
