He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
