In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
