i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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