i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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