Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
